Fading Light, Lost in the Dark
by UnknownInkStain
Summary: What if Kou never got off the train? What if there was a fatal accident? What would a shattered Yoshioka do? What can she do? What will a young man named Touma do? ToumaxFutaba. PLEASE REVIEW
1. Yoshioka's wonder

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN AO HARU RIDE, THE SERIES BELONGS TO ITS RIGHTFUL OWNERS. I DID HOWEVER COME UP WITH THIS STORY. **

**THIS IS MY FIRST TIME STORY WRITING, PLEASE BARE WITH ME.**

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><p>Heading to the train station, I kept wondering, did Kou feel the same way? Does he love me? I can't tell, it bothers me so much! What if he liked Yuuri more? Did he even know? What do I do? He always seems so emotionless, so uncaring, but yet so caring at the same time. As he occasionally spoke, I fumbled with the buttons on my blue coat, deep in a whole other thought. What if Kou didn't love me?<p>

"Yoshioka-san, you've been silent ever since we left the school grounds. Something wrong?"

"Ah? No, just thinking over this thing I stumbled across today...nothing much!?..."

"Oh."

Ever since he didn't show up at the park for the festival long before in middle school, I've been waiting for a chance like this. A chance to be closer with him, and I felt I would never get that chance. However, since school started, since I've met him again, I felt that I could go back to how things were, a second chance! Earlier, I doubted that I could go back, like hitting a rewind button, but I feel I'm getting closer, just a little more effort on my part.

But, there is still the issue of did he feel the same way? There was one way I could test and see... I could see the stairs to the Aohoraido train platform ahead, just five blocks away. I could say I forgot something, and see if he got off to willingly go back with me. Then I would know, I would love him. If he doesn't get off, I would give up.

The stairs were empty, and the sun was setting in the distance. The steel rails of the northbound line rattled, the noise was accompanied by the sound of steel wheels on steel rails making contact, the whooshing sound of the accelerating train, and the ever growing hum of the electric motors, as the train departed the station. It seemed louder and was as if this departure rattled the rails and platform stronger. Somehow, although I knew everything would go as it normally did, somewhere deep inside me, felt a slight hunch that something was going to go wrong today, horribly wrong. I really hoped Kou would get off the train when I test his care...I really hoped. I really don't know what I would do with myself if he didn't get off...


	2. The Test, The Departure

The platform was empty, not a soul to be seen. Our train was to arrive within the next ten minutes. Silence. Not a single word between Kou or myself. The silence is causing my anxiety to act up, my heart felt as if it were to beat out of my chest. Hands in pockets, hands out of pockets, unbutton coat, button up coat, all while staring at the ground and glancing at Kou every now and then. It was as if he was waiting for me to talk to him.

"K...Kou?"

"Mm?"

"H-How was school today...?"

"Eh? Fine? I guess...You seem a little off Yoshioka..something on your mind?"

"Lov-"

I caught myself from saying that forbidden word.

"Lovely weather it is?..." -_-

"Uh. Yes It has been the whole day."

I was losing him! He was starting to deviate away. No. I must not allow myself to get worked up over what his attention span focuses on. He turned to look down the track, the back of his neck turned to me. I could not help but stare at the nape of his neck. The sun was reflecting light off his hair, and was keeping me drawn. Then, he turned around and caught me staring. I felt my cheeks warm up and I turned to the other rail entrance to the station where the sun shown through. It was too quick! I wanted a moment more!

"Yoshioka? You are not as you normally are today. Something is up."

"Huh?! Nothing is up! Why do you think something is wrong?"

"You are not Futaba today...," he whispered.

Did-Did he just call me by my given name? I'm always "Yoshioka-san" to him...This, this is a first...and I liked it.

"Kou? Did you call me by my given name?"

"Huh? Ah, no. I said Yoshioka."

"Oh."

I knew what I heard.

There was a slight rattle as the train pulled into the station. Eventually the metal snake slowed to a halt before us and the doors opened. Two minutes. This train would be at rest here for two minutes then it would take off again.

Kou and I waited until all departing passengers cleared the doorways. One more minute. He stepped on board. It was now or never, I needed to know, I needed to be reassured. I didn't want to give up to Yuuri...

"Kou?"

"Yes?"

"I-I forgot something at school. Sorry."

"You forgot something? Seriously?"

"Yeah, I have to go back to get it..."

"Oh..."

The departure announcement played over the train's announcement system. Followed by a slow release of air from a compressor. The doors were about to close.

If he doesn't get off, I'll give up. If he does, I won't. I thought to my self.

The doors began to close, slowly.

"I don't know Yoshioka...I don't know if I can make that walk to and fro again."

If he doesn't get off, I'll give up. if he does, I won't. My rate of breath increased, and my heart was pounding away.

PLEASE GET OFF!

I closed my eyes as the doors to the steel snake closed and the consist began to accelerate, faster, faster, and faster. A final strong gust blew my hair around. I opened my eyes. The train was gone, rounding the bend near the staion's exit portal. The train was gone, and so was Kou.

I dropped my school bag and collapsed to the platform floor. My heart dropped and tears filled my eyes. I was overreacting, but I couldn't help it.

I wanted him to get off...but he stayed aboard...


	3. Paradise Derailed

Yoshioka stayed on the platform, and I was now standing on a steadily accelerating train. I kept my eyes fixed on her as she moved out of sight from the door windows. She looked sad. I ran to the rear of the car I was in, to catch one more glimpse of her as the train rounded the bend in the track. Soon the platform was out of sight from the train. Tall buildings and skyscrapers lined the tracks, and the train car swayed steadily back and fourth.

It was quite a distance from this station to the neighborhood station. There was no stations in between the previous station and Yoshioka and I's residential station, so this is where the operator was authorized to reach speeds of up to 80mph. It was more or less a straight shot for the train to travel on. There was a very minimal amount of bends in the track, and even then the curves had a very wide radius to them so the train did not have to slow down too much. However, there is a crossover section coming up in the track where a train can switch over to the parallel track. That area was my least favorite part of the trip, as hitting the crossover at 80mph usually gave each car a very jolly experience, as if the car were to jump the rails and run off the elevated track section. But even then, it is still a little entertaining as another train, if it runs on time, usually passes in the other direction simultaneously, and if you are qui. ck with your eyes, you can usually catch someone on the other train spilling their coffee or falling over from the jolts.

It was Yoshioka that told me that this line was the fastest way to the school, because of this non interrupted line with such a high running speed authorized. Every morning recently, we'd traverse this line between the neighborhoods and the Aohoraido station. I've had many memories with Yoshioka-San on board this train. Like once going to school, she was knocked clean off her feet from the jolt in the track and hit the wall so hard she passed out. She woke up two stations later and we were late. And another one was on the way home she forgot her blue school uniform coat onboard and we had to wait at our home station for three ours for the same train to return going the opposite direction. Then there was the time she fell asleep on my shoulder and I got annoyed... Ah, so many good memories.

I really feel bad now that I didn't get off this train to walk with Yoshioka back to school and get whatever it was she forgot. I felt as if, in another life I did, and that one choice of getting off would ultimately lead to better events in the future between us. Oh well, that's another parallel possibility.

Yoshioka does catch my eye everyday. She really does not know how much I think about her and how beautiful she looks everyday, no matter the fact that she doesn't put any effort into her appearance. I'm notorious for keeping emotions hidden, and I don't think I will show any emotions unwillingly in this lifetime. Dang, she almost caught me calling her by her given name, instead of the usual "Yoshioka-san." Futaba...that name does have a nice ring to it. How would the American's arrange names? It was given name first, then family name if I remember correctly... Futaba Yoshioka... Hmm... Either arrangement, it was a beautiful name. Oh well, she's gonna have to try harder if she really wants to see emotion from me. Sometimes people set up walls to see if anyone cares enough to break them down...

The lights in the car flickered. Slowly at first, then faster, until eventually, the lights gave out and the car was left without illumination. I looked across the cars. The lights in all of them were out. I then felt a slight fluctuation in the train's speed, dropping in rhythm, then picking up again. Everyone was rocked by this interuption, must have been the electrical contact with the rails.

"Attention passengers," the operator announced,"don't be alarmed, this is just the result of a slight shortage in contact with the overhead power wires. I'm not sure if I can power on the lights until the next station, but do not worry, this happens all the time on this old commuter line this is not the first time. Just sit tight and we will arrive shortly."

Hmm. This line is too old. It's only a matter of time before something serious happens. I'll have to recommend Futaba to take the 6:15 bus in the morning. It leaves earlier and is a little slower, but it uses the highway and maybe safer in the long run than this old train system.

I made my way up to the front of the consist, passing through the small connecting doors between the cars. Each pass through the connecting sections allowed me to hear the rattling of the steel wheels on the steel rails. Eventually, I reached the front of the consist. Through the forward window, I could see the crossover section in the far distance, and the oncoming train in e even farther distance, closing in as fast as we were. They were closer to the crossover than we were. I set my school bag and blue coat down on the vacant passenger seat and turned from the front.

SUDDENLY, the brakes were slammed and the train jolted and dropped much momentum. Everyone standing, regardless if they were holding onto a rail was knocked to the floor, including me.

"ATTENTION ALL PASSENGERS! MOVE TO THE REAR OF THE TRAIN AS FAST AS YOU CAN THEN GRAB HOLD OF SOMETHING!"

Everyone was struggling to get up as the train still desperately tried to grind to a halt. This was the emergency break. Even under emergency break, trains can take up a mile to stop. I got up and looked out the front of the train while everyone desperately tried to run as far back as possible, crowding the connecting passages. Out in front, the oncoming train was switching over to our rails at their high speed of near 80mph. The sparks emitting off the opposing trains sides were like a fire breathing dragon letting off fire in its breath. They were also trying desperately to halt, grinding up the rails but not seeming to slow down. Our train didn't seem to slow either.

The short circuit must have also been in the rails as well. It must have glitched the switch action into turning the points. The powered unit in the rear seemed to also be running, the short might have caused the rear unit to continue trying to cruise at 80mph! I tried to run to the rear of the train, but it was too late. Behind me, I felt and heard the opposing train smashing through the point of our train, crashing through the metal and plastic frame and running trhough the car towards me! I barely made it into the second car. Our driver was instantly killed. It was pointless to try to keep running, the momentum of our train against the momentum of theirs made the other train's task of ramming through the middle of our cars similar to shooting a bullet through a glass prism. I dove forward, hitting the ground flat. The opposing locomotive smashed through right above me, barely missing me. In a split second I could hear the rolling wheels, clashing and screeching metal, the engine, and the screams of passengers aboard that car whiz by over me before smashing out the side of the car and off the elevated track section. I tried to crawl forward but something caught me. That's when I felt a sharp pain at my legs. A jagged piece of metal had pierced through my left leg and pinned me to the car floor, and a strewn and halved railroad axel and wheel pinned my other leg to the floor, both had shattered none and tore muscle. IT HURT LIKE HELL!

The screams of terror coming from cars behind mine and on the oncoming train could be heard as the heavy passenger cars were thrown, flipped, and busted by the impact. Cars were rammi g through each other and crashing onto one a other, all with people inside them. The cars falling off the elevated track sections pulled our train down with them. My car was separated from the rest of the train and was pulled down with the wreckage of the point of the opposing train. The heavy axel and wheel moved, pinning, me even more. Blood soaked my school trousers. The rest of the wreck was still flying down the tracks, and was going to fall soon, onto me! Images and memories of Futaba began to flood my already dazed and shocked thought process. It was strength! If I wanted to see her pretty face again, I had to get away from this wreck. I was already on the street, I just had to get free! Pulling out the metal stake, a scream of pain left me. Then, brutally pulling myself free of the railroad axel and wheel, I was free. I still had my legs, that was a miracle, I wasn't legless, but I might as well have been, because I couldn't use them. Crawling over glass and jagged metal, and through blood was painful and traumatizing. Eventually, in what seemed like an eternity, but in truth were milliseconds, I was free and out of the car. I tried to scramble from the wreck, but in no time the rest of both trains came crashing over the edge of the elevated track section. I wasn't gonna make it.

"I should have gotten off Futaba! I'm sorry! I LOVE YOU!" I was shouting at the top of my collapsed and bleeding lungs with the remainder of my breath. As if she could hear me... Never again would I see her smiling face.

The rear car jumped the twisted and jagged rails and leapt into the air. It came toward me, all 20 tons of railroad car. I lied there hopeless. It was now appending in slow motion. I couldn't scream anymore. The rear of the large train car landed inches away from my head but, I was fine. Then, a wheel, airborne from one of the cars crashed down onto me, cutting into and coming to rest, upright, in my stomach, digging itself a mount into the ground. I had splits of milliseconds to live. I couldn't feel pain anymore. I closed my eyes, and a memory of Futaba's smiling face played only for an instance, then drowning out in light.


	4. Tears of the Shattered Flatline

**Hey guys, as in the crowd of zero that are reading my crud story. I know it's been a little slow in the beginning, and then it got really really gruesome, but hey I like a little realism in my tales. Anyways, I'd like to hear from you guys. Reviews, comments, concerns, and maybe a few story suggestions? Pretty please... I love interaction. Anyways, I will try to post on a daily basis, but bear with me if I miss a day, because school, and life, and stuff... Anyways, to whoever is actually reading my little tale of tragedy, I hope you stick around til the end. I WILL NOT give up on this story until it is finished, I don't really like reading incomplete and never to be completed stories on this site. Anywho, without further delay..Chapter 4!**

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><p>Love...<p>

IT HURTS!

I sobbed, a bit over dramatically, on the platform floor, hugging my knees. A few stray people going home have come and gone since I started crying. Some just looked away and left, few came to try and help me, always asking,"What is wrong." I would always yell,"GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE!" Each time, they would leave and usually run off or something, I didn't care. But whenever, I sent someone away, I cried even harder feeling bad about it.

Kou! Why couldn't you get off!? Why?

I sobbed more and more. I don't think I drank enough water to even cry this hard and still be shedding rivers. I was too dramatic... I mean, everyone loses their chances or chooses to give up, and it always seems so easy for them... So why is it so hard and painful for me?!

My heart was shattered, and was still crumbling. I didn't care.. I didn't care if a train were to jump the rails and kill me right this instant.

No. Can't think like this. Can not think like this... Can't.. Can't keep.. Crying!

More tears flowed down my cheeks, and more and more. My coat was soaked, and my tie, and my short, and my skirt. It was horrible, but I couldn't help it. I cried even more. I hated these feelings. I really hated when they ate away at me like this. I don't know what to do!

I let go of my knees, covered my face, and layed back on the platform, sobbing harder and harder. A rolling motion kicked in. I was crying like a baby now. I kicked off my school shoes, and buried my face in my coat. Eventually, I threw off my coat and took off my school tie. I was overreacting. Slowly, I got up, still lightly sobbing. I wiped out my eyes, picked up my coat and sat on the nearest bench against the wall. My blue coat was torn multiple times, some holes were big, some were just gashes. Either way, I am gonna look like a wreck tomorrow...

He didn't feel the same as I did... At least not enough to care to get off and help me. Even if it was false... Memories of him ran through my mind as I sobbed silently. Fantasies and hopes of us being together again after all these years were fading. He was, my sanity. Now, I was going to lose him to Yuuri...

No. This was just a stupid test by me. He had no involvement in this. I may still have a chance! I will not back down. I can make this up, I can't still win him over. I can make him love me. I will not give up. I will not give up! I will not lose! To Yuuri!

The sun was setting was going down in the horizon and it was getting dark. I was now regaining my composure. No more sob episodes like that anymore, it was too sad.

Suddenly, I heard the faintest bang in the far off distance, and some really quiet rumbling and twisting sounds. Sounded like it came from the tracks ahead in the distance. The humming of the electric wires ceased. Something was wrong.

"Kou!"

I quickly put on my shoes and jumped onto the empty southbound tracks. I took off, running as fast as I could down the tracks, coat and school bag over my shoulder, scarf and tie rustling in the wind. The sun would be down by the time I find out what happened.

...

The sun was down, and I was going to die of exhaustion, but somehow my feet still carried me at a moderate jog. The sirens from emergency services all seemed to converge on the one point around this bend. They were at the crossover. The crossover section that knocked me clean out that one day.

I looked with horror at what I saw.

The elevated track section had collapsed, and there were cars of two trains hanging over the blown out section of track. Smoke was emitting off the unseen wreckage below and axels, wheels, blood, and limbs were everywhere. It was a seen from a horror movie, but all I could think of was...

"KOU!"

I ran to the nearby service ladder and clambered down as fast as I could.

"Huh? A school girl?!" A nearby police officer stopped me before I could run any farther into the wreckage . "What is your name?! You should be home right now!"

"Yoshioka Futaba! My friend was on this train. I need to see that he is okay!"

"Calm down, you need to have a seat-"

"NO! I need to see that he is okay, Ineed to hear him insult me for worrying to much! I need to see him!"

"YOSHIOKA-SAN!"

The officer caught my attention.

"No one survived the crash! There were no survivors. Now please take a seat-"

"No," I began to shake my head in disbelief,"No, no, no. No, you are lying!" Tears began to fill my eyes again. "You are lying to me! It doesn't look too bad," he could have survived!"

"STOP! HE IS DEAD! WHOEVER YOU ARE LOOKING IS DEAD!" The officer was getting irritated with me.

Tears rushed in and flooded my eyes. My hands were shaking by my side. I droppEd my coat and bag.

"NO!" I began crying.

I pushed my way passed the officer and deeper into the wreckage. Jagged metal, smashed train cars, andbroken wheels and axels lay about the street. Would I be able to identify him?

There was a train car laying across the street before me. It seemed to have been the front because one side of the train was completely smashed to pieces. The walls, everything was smashed across the top half of the car. Nearby, I saw a sight that totally broke me.

On the street, lay a student who went to my school. He lay beneath a strewn railroad wheel, dead. Upon closer examination my horrors were confirmed. It was Kou!

"Kou?" I knelt beside the body, shaking his body to try and wake him up. "Kou?!...No! NO! KOU!"

I tried to pull off the heavy rail car wheel off of him, but it was too heavy! I gave up and lay across his body, heavily sobbing into his chest. His shirt was bloodied, his tie was blood stained. It was my horror movie.

First he didn't get off the train, now this!? Why was this happening to me? My life is a wreck! I don't know what to do! The love of my life...dead! I just wanted to hear him say,"I love you," that was all I wanted to hear him say... Now I lost him forever. There is no rewind button anymore! All my dreams..smashed! It was terrible! I buried my face deeper into his chest and cried harder.

A paramedic, a police officer, and a fireman ran to my scene. The paramedic tried to pull me off Kou, but I pushed away his hands. I did not want to leave Kou.

"Miss! Who are you? You shouldn't be running through wreckage like this, it is dangerous here, you could get hurt," he said.

"Leave me alone! I've lost enough today!"

"I-um... Okay then, could you at least identify yourself?"

"Yoshioka, Futaba. Second year high school student," I said, sobs accompanying my responses.

"Ah, I see. And...could you identify this man? If you could please. We've been trying to identify victims all evening."

"Mabuchi, Kou," I began with shaking voice,"He was a second year student at my high school. He was my classmate, my partner on the class representative board, and the love of my life... And now he is gone forever." I began crying full force.

"Ah. Teenage love-"

"SHUT UP! You don't know anything about my case! It was not temporary! I loved him! I just got together with him once more in my life this year after he disappeared from my life in middle school! I loved him! Now, I lost him! I never confessed...it makes me regret everything I didn't say to him." I didn't mean to tell my personal story to a paramedic, it just came out.

"S-Sorry to intervene miss, I'll leave you alone."

I didn't know this paramedic, he was probably twenty to thirty years older than I am, but I couldnt stand the idea of being alone right now. I grabbed his arm.

"No. Please. Please stay. Don't leave me alone."

He crouched beside me. He sounded pretty nice, he didn't really yell at me like the cops.

After a decade of silence he finally said,"Yoshioka-san, please realize that unfortunately, this man is past."

This made me cry even more.

"I know this is hard, but these kinds of things happen in life, and it is something we have to accept, and by the looks of it, this was meant to happen no matter what you could've done."

"I really feel now, that I should have gotten on this train with him. I was there at the station," I said.

"No! Do not think like that! You must take this as a message from the 'Man with the Plans'. You are alive now because something really important will occur at a later period in your life, soonerair later, and He wants you to be there for it."

This lightened my mood enough. I decided to walk home.

"Thank you. You really help. I must go home, there is still class tomorrow."

"Ah, okay then. Bye."

Still crying, I got up and began walking back. Suddenly, the paramedic's voice called out,"Yoshioka-san!"

I turned and he handed me a school bag and a blue coat.

"I determined this was his since it matches your school uniform. There is no use for it hear so could you please take it with you? If not for our benefit, then as a reminder of Mabuchi-san?"

"Mm," I nodded.

Shakily I took the items off of him, then hee returned to his work.

Kou's bag and coat. Both gave off strong memories of him. Memories that hurt too much right now. I slung his bag and carried his coat, then retrieved my things.

I put my coat on. It felt crumby and worn currently, because of all the tears and holes. At this point, I couldn't care less. I just wanted to go home so I could cry on my bed. I left the crash site, crying quietly to myself as I walked.

My crying was reduced to the occasional whimper. I held Kou's jacket close to me. Very close. I was practically hugging it. It was a tangible memory of Kou, and I wanted to keep all my memories of him very close. I couldn't loosen my grip on his coat. I could not let go.

In the neighborhood, I encountered someone else from my school. Same uniform tie. I think I know him from class. He was headed in the opposite direction as me, and we were about to pass each other. I tried not to make contact with him at a time like this, but in trying to avoid this, my foot caught a crack in the sidewalk and I tripped. I was about to fall flat on my face, but then a hand reached down and caught me by my shoulder and the collar of my coat. I stood up and regained balance, then I glanced at whoever the person was. Indeed he was in the same class as I. His hair was blonde, his eyes were a brownish gold, and he wore a watch. He was in a pleasant mood. Smiling ear to ear this late in the evening.

"Hi!" he was ecstatic.

"Hi..." I glanced at his face onore ore, then the ground. "Thank you for catching me..that fall would make the night even more painful then it already is..."

"Oh. You're welcome."

"We are in the same class together.." I wasn't really sure.

"Yeah, we are. I've seen you before," he said, still smiling,"It's nice to see someone from my school around here."

"Mm.. What is your name?"

"Kikuchi, Toma. What's yours?"

"Yoshioka, Futaba.."

"Ah. You seem down. Whats wrong? Someone bothering you?"

"No.."

"Something?"

"No.. I don't want to discuss it."

"Oh.. Okay! Say, you have two coats, whose is the other?"

"A friend who moved away...far, far away..." Tears were shrouding my eyes.

"Oh. Okay." He then noticed the tears in my coat.

"Hey, what's wrong? Did you get in a fight? Or get hurt? Somethng rough happened."

"Nothing. Nothing wrong happened, just a-a cat.."

"Oh okay then."

"I better get going," I said," see you around, Kikuchi-kun."

"See ya, Yoshioka-san."

...

At home, I gently layer Kou's bag and coat on my desk chair and just collapsed onto bed. Not even bothering to change. I cried myself to sleep quietly. I had lost my sanctuary.


	5. The Next Mourning

I woke up to dried tear stains and frizzled hair. I was still dressed in my inform from yesterday. My coat was torn, my tie wrinkled, and my shirt stained with Kou's blood. I was also running late for school. I was gonna miss the train- Wait. Never mind.

I grabbed a fresh shirt from my closet and tightened my tie from yesterday. I fixed on my coat, then looked in a mirror. I was a wreck. I could not go to school looking like this! I grabbed Kou's blue coat. A faint smile showed up on my face as I put it on. It was too big, almost two sizes, but it would have to do. As I walked out the door, tears soaked my eyes.

I looked like a daughter wearing her father's large coat. My hands were covered by the sleeves, and the length fully draped over my skirt, covering it from view completely. my shoes were scuffed from accidental contact with the jagged metal and tracks. I tried to hide evidence of my depression, but it showed in my face, and clothing. It is obvious, this was not my coat.

A bus was the substitute for the train as the line was broken. It was packed like a can of sardines, was stuffy, and was bumpy and rough. I was unfortunate to be packed in the metal. Everything was going wrong. Even with so many people around me...I was lonely. I greatly missed talking with Kou on the way to school. The way he smiled ever so slightly whenever I said something.

A big part of me, still did not accept his disappearance. I couldn't take it! I MISS HIM SO MUCH! I began to sob quietly, not caring about the surrounding occupants. I quickly wiped my tears from my eyes, almost collapsing to the floor. I settled down.

That smell. That scent. It was so relieving. So perfect. So lovely. It was the scent that came off Kou. I sniffed the coat I wore. The scent was still lingering ever so slightly. I loved it, and couldn't get enough off it. But it did also sadden me. I would never be the same again.

"School is going to be miserable," I sniffled,"...without you beside me."


	6. Without You

**School is getting really busy with finals and stuff coming up, so I apologize for the long waits. But rest assured, winter break is a week away, so I'll have more time then. Anyways, Chapter 6**

I could not pay attention to a word sensei was saying.

_What if he got off that train anyway? Would he have just been struck down by a bus? Was it written and decided by fate that he would die yesterday? Did fate decide to take away my sanity, my serenity, my love, my goal, my life? Was this supposed to happen all along? What did that medic mean that something important lay ahead of me in my life? What else but bad could possibly happen to me anymore?_

"Yoshioka-san," sensei called,"perhaps you would like to explain why a train running at 80mph can take an eternity to stop."

_A train._

This reminded me dreadfully about the accident. Now was not the time to tear up! Every eye was fixed to me. But I didn't know the answer! I had to guess.

"Because of its momentum and mass?" My voice was weak, and shaky.

"Correct," he acknowledged"Maybe you wouldn't be so uncertain if you payed attention more, instead of staring at an empty desk!"

"Yes, sensei."

"Good. Now class, recently there was a fatal accident on the local train line, and many were killed. It is due to the trains' extreme speed and mass that they were not able to stop on a dime. Remember, an object in motion will stay in motion, unless acted upon by an outside force. In this case, that outside force was another train."

How could he be so heartless? Talking about the wreck and failing to acknowledge the passing of one of his pupils? What kind of glacier surrounded his soul? The class didn't say anything either, it's as if he never existed. What kind of world am I in? This is not how this was supposed to happen! Tears formed and clouded my vision. I'm glad I sat at the far back of the room!

Kou's desk. It was dreadfully empty. No longer would he be sitting there, pretending to ignore me. No longer, would we walk out of class alone. There was only five minutes left in the session. I choked back my tears and whimpers. It was the longest five minutes in the world, an eternity.

The bell was finally rang, and everyone rose to bow. I bowed with everyone else. Tears landed near my feet, no one noticed. As everyone exited the room I was approached by a classmate. He said,"Hey, have you seen Mabuchi-San today? Not to trouble you, but he owes me a couple hundred yen." I pulled out a bill for 1000 yen and placed it in his hand. "Consider it payed." He tried to give it back to me saying,"No, I want to get it from him, he should be asking his girlfriends to pay for him."

_Why was it always me that got into these situations? Does anyone care enough to know he died?!_

"I need to see him in perso-"

"YOU WILL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN!"

Everyone paused, looking at me now. Nothing mattered anymore.

"Huh," he responded.

"HE IS DEAD! HE IS DEAD! HE DIED IN THAT TRAIN WRECK YESTERDAY, AND NONE OF YOU SEEM TO CARE! HE WAS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND HE IS GONE! BAKA!"

I ran out the door and down the school halls, everyone staring at me. Tears were tearing from my eyes. I didn't want to be alive. Out into the courtyard and to desolate area of the school I ran. Ducking behind a wall, I waited and listened. The comotion in the school slowly picked up pace, before eventually returning to normal. I fell to the floor and cried, later leaning up against the brick wall.

I don't know what to do. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be be breathing. I wanted Kou. I wanted to be with him, and I would do anything to be with him. Anything.

"Yoshioka-san?" A hand was placed on my shoulder. "What's wrong?"

"EVERYTHING," I responded, not even bothering to check who it was,"EVERYTHING IS WRONG!"

"But you are here aren't you?"

Who was this? He was so calm.

Blonde hair, and a smiling face.

"Kikuchi-kun?"

"Hi, Yoshioka-san."

"H-h-Hi," I sniffled, wiping tear drops from my eyes and sitting up,"Why are you here?"

"You looked like you could use some help in your time of need. I've been there before. I know now why you were so sad last night."

"You do? You weren't in the same building as me today..."

"No, I don't know what happened there, but last night I was going to a corner store I visit often and saw the train wreck. I know what happened with Mabuchi-san."

I let out a shallow cry.

"It was hard for me to accept, and I just went home afterwards. Although I hardly knew him, I don't like seeing death."

I grabbed his tie, pulled him close, through my arms around him, and heavily cried into his shoulder. I just needed someone right now.

"Yoshioka-san, the bell rang!"

I didn't let him go. He could be as late as I was gonna be for coming to me at this point. I didn't want to go back. School was terrible without Kou around.


	7. Can You Mend a Broken Heart?

School ended rougher than it started. I had missed the bus home, due to another episode of crying and now had to walk, all the way home. I wanted my life to end.

I had never looked through Kou's coat even though I've had it on all day. The outside pockets just had pens, pencils, and notecards. A pen with a lady bug on the eraser tip was at the bottom of his left side coat pocket. This was mine. He said he lost it on the train, but it was the only thing in this pocket, and he always out his hands in his pockets, if not both than at least this one. He knew this was here. He kept it on purpose. This was my favorite pen! Did Kou keep this as a thing to remember me? I've heard people say this was the only pen he would use in other classes, though I've never seen this being used in the classes we shared... It brought a smile to my face, and saddened me.

The inside pocket had a few papers rustling around in it. I took the first parchment I got my hand on. It was a picture of us at school. It may have been secretly taken by Kominato-kun one day. It was like it was taken on a phone. But, regardless the quality was still good. We looked so happy together. The smile on Kou's face, although just a smirk, was more than I have ever seen him smile this year. The things he did when I couldn't see his face... On the back, there were words written in his handwriting.

Futaba... Yoshioka Futaba. The yang to my yin. My balance, my happiness. My strength, and my weakness.

Drawn crudely in blue pen was a yin and yang insignia drawn in an equation format. Yin+Yang=Yin & Yang

My eyes were dampened. He really did care! He really did love me... Then... WHY COULDN'T HE JUST TELL ME! NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED! HE WOULD HAVE STILL BEEN HERE!

I broke down crying. We could have gotten together. There was a rewind button after all, I just didn't know it was there. I hated myself. I cried, and screamed even louder then previous times. I really had lost something so good.

I couldn't keep crying like this, it was becoming an hourly thing, but I couldn't help it. He was gone, and I could not accept it. I fell to the concrete slide walk and balled up like an infant, hugging my knees. No one else could understand my pain. No one.

* * *

><p>"Ai-ya!" More papers to finish. I did not like staying at school late. All my friends and classmates had already went home or went out. I had missed the bus home and it was getting dark, the sun was setting. Up ahead, I could swear I hear someone crying...Hmm, it was familiar.<p>

Yoshioka!

I found her on the ground, hugging her knees, crying her heart away. There were dense tear stains running down her cheeks, and drips were all about her oversized coat and the ground surrounding her.

"Yoshioka? What's wrong?"

No response. Too busy crying.

I knelt beside her,"What's wrong?"

Still no response. Just the weakening crying.

I decided to make a move. She would pass out of exhaustion if she didn't stop soon. Her breath between wails increased in struggle. I grabbed her and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her near to me and burying her face into my shoulder. Slowly, she calmed down,her crying slowed to a steady sob, sniffling constantly, her eyes were still closed, and tears ran down slowly but constantly now.

"K-Kikuchi kun?"

"Yea Yoshioka-san?"

"Wa-what are you doing here?"

"I was just walking home, and I found you here. Again."

"Why did you stop here?! Why do you care!?"

"I'm here for you, here to help!"

"Can you bring Kou back!? Can you mend a broken heart?! Can you fix this!? I want him back!"

"Yoshioka-san, you need to calm down, you will pass out!"

"I can't be calm! I've lost everything! I-I...I..."

"Yes?"

"I don't want to live anymore!"

"Yoshioka! Don't think like that! You still have your life ahead of you!"

She grabbed me by the tie and buried her face deep in my shoulder.

"I want to be with Kou!" Her voice was cracking and muffled.

"Yoshioka, calm down, just focus on earth right now. Notice your surroundings. Calm down."

Her breathing rate rose and fluctuated, she cried even harder than when I got here. Fluctuating, fluctuating, now slowing. Her breathing drastically dropped down big time. Her body went limp. She rotated around and passed out, posing her back up against me. Unconscious, tired from sadness, and done with the day. She must have been through a lot. Her hair draped her face and her forehead and cheeks were bruised. It was definitely a rough day without, that Mabuchi dude. I swiped her hair behind her ears and brushed the dirt off her face. She was so calm right now. So peaceful.

Laying here, I felt a sense of duty to Yoshioka. I wanted to help her feel better. I didn't know how to fix a broken heart, but I could sure try.

I felt my heart fluctuating in tempo, but more importantly rising. What was this? Was I? Was I? Was I in love?


	8. Enlightenment and Support

Classes seemed to drag. I could not focus on much now. I was worried about Yoshioka-san.

She had kept to herself the past few days and was hardly seen. I wondered what had become of her. It had been three days since she broke down on the sidewalk. I remembered the details of it. How wet my shirt had become from her tears, how calm she became after she tired out. And especially, how my heart was skipping so many beats while it happened. What was going on?

The loss of that guy, Mabuchi, really left a scar in her. I began to wonder. Was she with him before his final moments? If she was, then why wasn't she on that train? What was going on between them? She may have liked him way more than what could be seen with the naked eye. How long have they known each other? There definitely was a background between those two.

Wait. Why am I wondering so much about Yoshioka? I've only wondered about a girl like this once before, and that was in middle school. Suddenly, I wanted to know everything there was to know about her! No. I must exercise restraint. I can't go off liking someone, like this! Especially, after such a tragedy. But there definitely was something there.

I needed to know what was between and behind those two. I wanted to know. I had to know. But how? I can't just casually ask the guy anymore, he's gone, and it would weird and uncomforting if I asked Yoshioka about her directly. It might even kill her. I've heard that severe heart break can cause possibly lethal attacks such as heart attacks. No, I definitely did not want that to happen. The only way to find out was through her friends. The one shy girl with the short hair has been giving me death stares recently. She found out I've been with Yoshioka during her outbreaks, so etching tells me we wouldn't be getting along that well. The only other one I could ask was Shuko-chan, we were classmates in another class, and conveniently that class was right before dismissal. However, this other dude, Kominato I think his name was, was always around her. He was waaaayyyy too overprotective. He wouldn't let anyone near her in some cases, anyone who was a decent looking guy. Although I didn't want to confront him, I would have to if I wanted to try getting information out of Shuko...

The bell rang. Next class was the last class. Just another hour, and I'd have my chance.

During class, Shuko sat quietly, being as attentive as attentive can get to the lessons on the board. Half, my mind was on the lesson, ten percent was thinking about my band, and the other twenty percent was thinking about Yoshioka-san. By the time class was over, my note page was only half full of equations from the lesson. Not good, Kikuchi, not good.

After bowing the door was filled and packed with departing students. I almost lost her in the crowd. I pushed my way through and stayed an ample distance back from her as she left the school. She was constantly looking at her phone. No doubt she would meet up with her friends after school today. There was still a decent crowd around us as we walked down the sidewalk, so I didn't look like a stalker. Then, to my surprise, Yoshioka ran up and met up with Shuko. I didn't really know her before, but I remember she had a smile on her face whenever she was with friends, but now she had a neutral frown across, and her bangs draped a dark brown curtain across her face. She only walked a little but with Shuko, saying a few things in a drearily quiet conversation. I could not hear what they were saying. Then she broke off and went her separate way.

"Hey, Shuko-chan!"

Great. It was that guy Kominato.

"Oh, hi," she responded.

They went on to have a somewhat awkward conversation for a few minutes. This guy really was not getting her interests that well. Ultimately, they fell into an awkward silence. The crowd was thinning out, I had to say something now, there was no more cover.

"Hey, uhh... Shuko-chan."

She turned around, well they both turned around.

"Could I talk with you for a minute?"

"Sure."

"In private?" This was gonna be awkward...

"Huh?! What do you plan to say huh?!" Kominato seemed provoked.

I grabbed his tie and pushed him to the side.

"You need to relax."

He was about to get up, but Shuko shot him a look, and he stood down.

"Sure, come with me."

We went into a nearby alley.

"Who are you and what do you want?"

"Kikuchi Touma, and I am concerned for Yoshioka-san."

"She is already sad enough, don't make things worse. You don't know anything."

She was about to walk away. I responded quickly,"You're right, I don't know a thing. But I want to help her. Can you tell me anything?"

"What part of leave her alone do you not understand?"

"I-I'm sorry. I knew I shouldn't get involved."

"Wait."

I turned back to her.

"Do you feel something for Yoshioka?"

She was so monotone when she spoke.

"That- that I'm not sure about. It's possible..."

That was so open. What was that Kikuchi? Are you gonna tell her any other secrets before you go?

"It's not a good time right now. But I believe that happiness can bring Yoshioka back. Currently, she is lost in a pitch black darkness. This loss affected her on a major scale. But if you can provide a source of happiness to Yoshioka, you may be able to guide her back into the lightness of her life. You might...and I say might on very loose terms, bring her back, and she might possibly even like you. Although most likely, you will not succeed, you may try, and I may even support you. But if you make matters worse, she may never recover. So for you to decide what ever you want to try, I will tell you a little bit of backstory between Futaba and Kou."

Mabuchi Kou, that was the guy's name.

She proceeded to tell me about Yoshioka's love life and how she loved this guy since junior high. How she was left hanging waiting for him to show up at some festival, and how she wanted to relive those years and have a second chance. It was tragic to listen to really. Then she told me how Yoshioka's point of view occurred during the day of the wreck, thoughts and hopes and everything else. Man, Yoshioka told her everything, I could produce a classroom style notebook full of this information, it was really descriptive.

"So that is what happened."

"Yes. But try not to bring up this information. Especially the fact that I told you."

"Okay then."

"Remember, Kikuchi, Yoshioka is a very fragile girl, she's already cracked, but if she shatters I will hold you responsible if you decide to go through with this. Be careful what you try to achieve."

Thinking of Yoshioka made my heart fluctuate.

"Thank you, Shuko-chan. I will try my best to bring her back to how she was. But, one thing, please keep my feelings a secret. I am not sure what they are and even if I was, I wouldn't want them leaking out. Especially to that one other girl with you guys."

"Who? Yuuri? Yeah, she isn't fond of you yet. Fine, I will remain silent on the matter. Now, I must get going. See you around."

"Bye bye."

Thank you Shuko-chan, you really helped me understand more. Now, I had to start. Coincidently, tomorrow, I happen to be being moved into a class with Yoshioka. Tomorrow, I make my first move.


	9. Trial by Error

**Sorry for the late and really random and spread out chapter publishing... It's been really stressful... School, finals, confessing to the girl in my life...yeah. Anyways, it's Christmas break so, il, try and put out as much as I can. I'm thinking of starting another story to run alongside this one, still TBA. Anyways, that is another story... Literally... Enjoy!**

That talk with Shuuko... It was a little intimidating. I was a little too blatant. Some of those things could've been worded differently on my side. Although, it could've went a lot worse. At least she may support me. Even if it was iffy,I'll take it. She could've kicked me to the curb, literally, but instead she listened and spoke.

How would I approach this? In truth, I didn't really have anything to work with. I knew about Yoshioka's tragic shojo anime style backstory, but other than that, I didn't really know anything about her. I didn't even know what to say to her next we met... This was gonna be challenging. School, studies, this, and my band. Juggling these things into a good rhythm is going to be challenging.

Walking home sucked. I'll make it a point not to miss a bus anymore. With the train line being destroyed and me never actually knowing the bus schedule, the past few days have been dreadful. There was a small park up ahead. A few trees, benches, and a quaint pond. And coincidently, as if just to get up in my business. Yoshioka-san was on a bench quietly. She must have missed the bus too. Or intentional,y didn't get on... She was keeping really quiet recently. Shuuko-chan and Kominato-kun appeared from the park. She didn't look up to,her, but Yoshioka definitely was talking with Shuuko. Shuuko appeared to be leaving, but she looked up and happened to see me, standing there on the curb like an idiot. There was a slight smirk and a small gesture with her eyes, then she left, along with her overprotective follower.

"You have been keeping to yourself lately." It took me ten minutes to decide to sit beside her.

"Hi, Kikuchi-kun," she said in a really downed voice. It was like she abandoned all hope,"What are you doing here?"

"I missed the bus again... You too?"

She nodded, but didn't say a word. That was not the reason she was here.

"Take this," she pulled out a packet,"it's a timetable for the number 25 bus, it's up to date, but it changes in a week...do remember to pick up the updated version by then."

This didn't make any sense, if she had the schedule and knew it would expire in a week, how could she miss the bus. She even knew its number.

"Forget to look at the schedule today then?"

"Yes..."

"C'mon cheer up, look up. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong Kikuchi, please leave me alone."

_Please leave me alone..._

There was a moment of silence.

"Your coat is a bit oversized don't you think?"

She remained silent.

"Has the staff hit you about it? They don't usually tolerate uniform irregularities. Did you must get it? Your original was not like this?"

"My original coat is torn and is full of holes...this is not mine. I've been borrowing it from a friend..."

"You mean using it?"

"No! Borrowing it, I have to return it to him in the future."

"Return it? I see..."

How do you return something to a dead guy?

I crouched before the bench in front of her. She didn't bother to look at me. Her hair still draped her face. I swept her bangs behind her ears.

A bit assertive don't you think Kikuchi?

Defined tear stains ran down her cheeks, some really fresh looking. She did not look up from the ground. I really wanted her to look at me.

"Things...may seem bad now. I don't know what they are...and I don't really know too much about you except that we are friends, in a way..."

Are we even?

"Yeah..."

"I just want to help you. It is saddening seeing the once really happy Yoshioka-san so down like this."

"I don't know if I ever will be happy again,"she said.

"We'll see about that," I said,"I'll see you tomorrow.."

"Bye,"she said.

That was awkward. This was much harder than I thought. It went so much better in my head. But it couldn't be that bad. I mean, it could have went down a lot worse. I mean, I could've been pushed away. Part of me says I should have left earlier. Part of me says I should've stayed later.

Well, nobody gets anywhere at first. It is a construction process.

Suddenly, a hand grabbed my tie and pulled me into an alley.

Girl, white shirt, red tie, gray skirt, black hair.

"How did it go? What happened?" she was curious.

Shuuko.

"What do you mean? Nothing happened."

"You lie. Don't lie to me, I was there. I saw the whole brush the hair behind her ears thing, and let me tell you, way too aggressive! Now is not the time!"

"I know, I know. That just sort of happened."

"Well stop letting it happen! You are going to shock her! Build and construct! She hardly even knows you!"

It all just came out, I couldn't help it.

"Look," she began,"Tomorrow is yet another school day which means she'll be ,again, miserable. Usually she sits alone at the far, far areas of the library. That's where no body goes, it's completely secluded from any and all signs of life. Do something, that is your chance to hit something. But above all else, cheer her up. I want to see her smile again tomorrow. Get that done, and maybe I'll get you more aquainted with Yoshioka-san."

"Okay. See you tomorrow then."

"Bye."

She walked off.

You know, for a seemingly quiet person, she really did know how to guide and exercise authority. Although, I didn't really feel close with her, or any of Yoshioka's friends. That also had to be addressed.

Objectively though, I had to stike a nail with Yoshioka tomorrow. Fluctuation occurred in heart rate, all the way home.

Yeah. There was definitely something there.


	10. The Depths of a Broken Heart

Today is the day. I had to try and get a smile out of her, to test the water. The school bell rang. Lunch period. The library was in the other side of the campus, in the west wing. Casually, almost robotically casual, I walked towards the library. Being sure not to run. It would be odd to appear in the most desolate areas of the library before she does. That's just plain creepy.

The halls got emptier and emptier towards the library. Either people didn't like the school library or tose that want to be in the library are already there. They probably ran to the library, I will admit, I've ran to the library before. Some books are actually worth reading.

Walking down the hall towards me. Shuuko-chan, Kominato-kun, and that one other girl. I've found out her name was Makita Yuuri when I overheard a conversation a few classes ago. Shuuko shot me a look of...idk...was it a good luck, or a "you better not mess this up" kind of look. Either way, I kept my head up and slightly acknowledged it. No doubt they've already spoken with her. I wonder. Did they hint anything? No. Shuuko said she wouldn't say anything about me. Kikuchi, you worry too much.

I opened the door to the library. It was very quiet in here. You could hear a pin drop in here. People were on books and mobile devices, distracted by the wonders of literature and society. Moving towards the back of the library. The books became less fun and became more tragic by the section. Stories of happy endings and fairy tales, became stories of tragedy, lost love, and dark endings. The light had also considerably dimmed, some were even flickering, and some were burnt out. The library should really replace the lights back here, it was getting really dark and depressing. The temperature was also dropping the farther I went. Was this region forgotten?

There at the end of the aisle was the end wall, a small table and two really worn chairs. Occupying one of the chairs was Yoshioka-san. I grabbed a book from a nonfiction shelf and sat down in the adjacent chair, pretending to read it. Not even paying attention to the words or the cover.

"I think the school should invest in better lighting and heating in this area."

She did not respond.

"You come here often?"

Still no response.

"Read any good books lately?"

Not a word. Not a gesture.

"Yoshioka-san."

There was a reaction. Her breath paused, and her head raised a little.

"Whatever is going on with you, whatever hurts, you need to let go. Even if letting go hurts more than keeping it with you, you have to let go. Or else you will be stuck in this wasteland."

It seemed that she didn't remember who I was. She did not remember my voice from yesterday. She may have cried herself to sleep last night. There were more tear stains than yesterday.

"I can't," she whispered.

A single tear fell from her eyelashes.

She finally spoke, even if it was just two words. At least, it let me know, she was here.

"I see, I exhaled and sat back in the chair.

Looking at her once more, I noticed something. Her coat was smaller than yesterday, judging by its appearance. It was layed on the back rest of the chair. There were holes and and it was torn in many places. This was her original, she must've grabbed it by mistake this morning. What happened on that day?

The air conditioner started again as a gentle hum came from the vents. I immediately felt the effect and wrapped my scarf around my neck. She also felt this effect and shivered noticeably. This was sad, she no longer cared about her being. Not even caring about the drop in the already cold temperature. Somebody had to help her. I placed my coat around her shoulders and wrapped my scarf around her. At first there was no verbal reply, she stopped shivering, that was a physical reply, but that was it.

"You don't have to," she finally said.

"I want to," I replied,"it's what a guy should do if a girl is cold."

"I have my own coat..."

"You were not gonna put it on anyway."

Silence. It must have been true.

"Why are you here? Why are you doing this for me?"

"Because you need help."

She sat in silence for another ten minutes. She definitely tried to drop the topic, but I don't want her to drop this topic, I just got her to speak to me. I will not let her.

"What is wrong? What will it take to get you to smile again?"

"Nothing will get me to smile again," she whispered,"It's pointless for you to try. Just leave me alone. Go be happy. Go get together with some lucky girl, she would appreciate your kindness more than I can."

"I'm not looking to get together with someone if you think that's why I am here."

Yeah you tell her Kikuchi.

"But I will keep you company here for as long as you you come back here alone. I've only known you for a while, but I consider you to be my friend, and I will not give up on a friend."

No response. The bell rang. My class was on the other side of the campus! I did not want to be late. I picked up my bag and got ready to dart out the library. But before I did I made sure to say,"See you later."

I hoped I was not coming on as a total creeper. This was definitely a rough attempt, but I had to try. Nothing in this world is unfixable. Not objects, not people, not even emotions. But I didn't get a smile out of her... That much I failed to accomplish, but I didn't care anymore. I just wanted to make her feel better.

Definitely, I was gonna run into Shuuko at the end of the school day. Yes, I was probably gonna face her wrath, but I couldn't care less about what she would tell me later today or not. I was gonna make her smile once more.

I realized. I forgot my coat and scarf...


	11. The Feel of a Heartbeat

**So, the reviews are really joy inducing. I love seeing the notification of a review. And I love reading them. Thanks for the reviews. I would love to see more and more reviews and even story suggestions. Anyways, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to my readers!**

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He forgot his coat and scarf! Kikuchi is being awfully nice to me. He spent lunch with me in that forsaken part of the library. I don't know what to think.

He was right though. I had to let go. Kou was gone, and I had to accept that. But how? How could I accept that fact?

A single tear rolled down my cheek

He would no longer be here for me. Never.

I wiped it off and silenced my cries. Enough of that. If I cry anymore, I'll experience dehydration. I leaned up against the bus stop sign. Today was a long school day. The sun was now setting. The committee meeting seemed bland with an empty chair beside me. It was definitely too quiet, even though Kou never really talked.

I shouldn't cry and be too sad that he is gone. I should be happy I met him... At least, that's what one boy said to me today. But, I couldn't help it! I missed him. If his spirit was looking down on me...no. If his spirit were beside me the whole time... He would call me an idiot. An idiot for crying over him so much. Then he would lightly flick me on either the back of my head or my forehead, just like the other times.

Tears began to flow down my cheeks. I laughed a little at the thought.

Eh! No! I can't cry like this! Not over Kikuchi's clothes! Stop stop stop stop stop!

OW! Something felt like someone flicking me on the back of the head! Just like how Kou did it. That genuinely hurt! The tears stopped and my head throbbed, but when I looked behind me, there was no one there. Strange and a little scary, but at the same time a little happiness surfaced. Just to feel something that Kou would do once more. But how did it happen? That was the mystery.

I looked down the street, then up the street, then once more down the street. I didn't hear the sound of a bus motor, not even a hint. Damn! This bus is running really late! Or am I early? What time is it? Am I late? I reached for my coat pocket looking around for a schedule. Nope, this is Kikuchi's coat. I felt around my skirt pockets. Still no! Wait. I gave my schedule to Kikuchi yesterday! Crap. No! This is not happening! It's such a long walk home!

"Yoshioka-san!"

I looked. It was Kikuchi-kun, running toward me. I still don't have the strength to talk. I haven't spoken with Makita, or Shuuko, or Kominato in days! I couldn't help my silence, or quiet tones.

He leaned against the sign post, panting strongly. He must have ran miles in his uniform!

"Yo-Yoshi-Yoshioka-san," he struggled trying to catch his breath,"you-you gave me this yesterday and I had-a feeling you might have missed the bus!" He held up the timetable for the 25 bus. Quietly I took it and opened it up. Indeed, I had missed the bus, by two hours, and the next time it would come was not for two more hours! Definitely I had to walk home. The feeling of that flick to the back of the head, the happy memories of Kou, Kikuchi's company at lunch, and his will to come back here just to give me back my schedule. I felt a little happy. Happy enough to speak a little.

"Yoshioka-san," he started,"I realize that you have missed the bus and a two hour wait is quite long and...I'd be happy to walk with you and keep you company for as long as you wish. I know it can be a long walk and-"

"Yes," I interrupted,"please."

He looked at me and smiled. We began walking.

Many blocks past in silence. He tried to speak, but I could only respond with a few words. Even though I felt a little better, I still could not speak much. He asked me questions about school, and life, about Shuuko, about Makita, and about me. I normally would love to answer, but most of my memories and answers brought back thoughts of Kou, and those hurt.

The streets of the city were empty, people were long gone by now. I reflected back. Kikuchi said,"I had a feeling you might have missed the bus." A feeling? What if I didn't miss the bus? Would that mean he would've went back for nothing anyway?

"Kikuchi-kun? Why did you come back for me?" I managed to ask quietly.

"I thought you would miss the bus. You were really sad, so I had an idea that you may miss the bus home."

"What if I didn't miss it?"

"I guess I would have had a healthy run then."

"You would have ran back for nothing."

"That's okay. I had to make sure you made it."

"Thanks, Kikuchi-kun,"I said under my breath.

A truck was coming up the road. On its flatbed trailer, was one of a train's passenger cars, mangled and smashed. It came from the wreckage! They were starting to clean it up. Seeing the train car brought tears to my eyes, the memory of seeing Kou's body, lifeless, the smell of shampoo and sweat still lingering among the smell of blood and railroad oil. It began to weep quietly. Kikuchi put his arm around my shoulder, then hugged me.

"Calm down. It's over."

"I-I'm sorry Kikuchi,"I said shakily through tears and sobs,"I'm getting tears all over you scarf and uniform coat."

"No, no, it's okay. It's okay, let it out. Just let it out."

I hugged him and held him tighter and tighter. Soon enough, I began to settle down. Tears stopped flowing, and my breathing settled down. Then, it was silence just us holding each other, tightly. I could hear and feel Kikuchi's heartbeat. It was steady and strong, but more importantly, it was warm. He let go after I let go and I looked up to him, eyes still wet.

"Thank you Kikuchi-kun."

"No problem."

Down the street, wear the intersection, we could see the site of the wreck. I moved in for a closer look, Kikuchi followed. Most of the stray cars had been removed, the ones that were free from the pile of mangled cars. The parked cars smashed from the wreck were also removed. All that was left was a small hill of smashed train cars, the same purple and white passenger cars that we travelled on daily to school, with their faulty lighting, noisy motors, etched on windows, and rocky performance. The same cars that had knocked me unconscious, and that made me wait at a station for hours just to get my coat back.

The stains of blood had been power washed from the street, like a large scale eraser. A crane was working on lifting the other mangled train cars. Another truck with a flatbed hauled another train car away. There were construction crews and large cranes and equipment.

"They must be starting to rebuild the train line,"Kikuchi pointed out.

"Yeah."

"Wont be long before they get the trains running again," he told.

"Yeah."

"Just got to fix the track, redo the system, and get a new train."

"Yeah."

"Soon, missing the bus won't be a problem anymore."

"Yeah..."

He glanced at me.

"Let's go Yoshioka-san."

He grabbed my wrist and pulled me away. He knew the presence of that location would eventually break me down. Thank you Kikuchi...

The sun was now lowest in the sky, and we were now just outside my house. Kikuchi had walked with me all the way home just to make sure nothing happened to me, and I had company.

"Thank you Kikuchi-kun. You still have to walk home. You didn't have to walk me this far."

"With a situation like this, you shouldn't be alone."

"..."

"And you won't have to be alone. I will be with you, every step of the way until you smile once more."

"Kikuchi-kun."

"Yes?"

"I may not be as happy tomorrow... I probably will be as sad as I was today, and I may never improve."

"I will not stop until you will be happy again. I will not lose."

This was eye opening.

"See you around Kikuchi-kun,"I said in the same low spirit voice I've used all day.

"Bye bye."

He was off. He forgot his coat and scarf once again. The absence of Kou in my life... The day's events, they reminded me of my memories with Kou. How we hugged each other. How I felt his warmth. Tears, rolled down my cheeks lightly. But, it wasn't Kou, it was Kikuchi. I enjoyed my walk home a little.


	12. Confirmation and Back Up

Today was a somewhat good turn out. Although, I realized I forgot my coat and scarf once again... Good thing it wasn't too cold in the mornings yet. I have no idea if I got Yoshioka to smile at all, or even lift up her spirits a little bit. I hoped I did. But, in truth I didn't care, if I did today.

If you did, good for you Kikuchi...

If you didn't, you'll get it eventually Kikuchi...

It was now 6PM and the sun was but slight aura of orange in the horizon. I then realized that I had a really long way back! This was gonna be a very long walk, maybe an hour or so... Ugh!

Someone grabbed my tie and yanked me into an alley, this time throwing me to the ground. Not this again...

Skirt, tie, blue coat, and long black hair once again. This time though, Shuuko was with someone, there was another voice for a second.

"Sorry, didn't mean to throw you down."

She helped me up.

"What did you accomplish today? Anything? Doesn't seem like you got anywhere. Our deal was you were raise spirits today!"

"Look, you expect me to mend a shattered girl like that in one day!? You must be crazy! Bare with it! It's not that easy!"

"You still failed! Which means our agreement is void! I don't have to help you! Just give up! You won't get anywhere!"

Just give up... She really raised her voice now. It was a whole different side to her, a scarier side to the normally silent girl. I caught glimpse of who she was with. It was Makita! The girl who always shot me bad looks and death glares! But why wasn't she trying to kick my guts out? She should have already figured out what's going on.

"It is hopeless! You will never get noticed! It doesn't matter how if you like her or not! She is too broken! Too lost! If you did like her, you'd leave her be! If you were too confess she will reject you!"

...

She WILL reject you... That hurts. It hurt on the inside so much, it started to physically hurt...

"We want our friend back to how she was! And you... You will just ruin it!"

This was really digging deep, clawing at my heart. It was really breaking in. Tears were forming a little bit. Embarrassing. They didn't flow, but they did build up. This was painful...and I did not like it. Not one bit! Something was building up really quickly since she pulled me in here. And it was about to come out. My fists clenched tightly. It was anger...

Shuuko pushed me up against the wall clenching my shirt tightly in her fists. She was about to yell something again, but I couldn't take it anymore! I grasped her shoulders and pushed her away. She hit the opposite brick wall, almost falling over, she fell to her knees.. Yuuri gasped, and stood up, but didn't want to get involved in a physical confrontation.

"IF YOU WANT HER BACK THEN WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING! As far as I've seen, I'm the only one that has stayed by her side through lunch and all the way to her home! I live far in the opposite direction for crying out loud And yet, I'm the one who walked home with her! Not you! Or you! Yes it's true! I do feel attraction towards Yoshioka-san! I've felt that for a while now at school even while Mabuchi-san was still alive. I didn't know anything of it until I found Yoshioka-san crying in the streets one day after school!"

Shuuko began to stand up, but didn't advance, she was listening.

"If you want her back and feel that you could accomplish that faster than I can..then you do it! I want her to be happy again! I will keep trying, even when you tell me not to, and I won't stop until she is happy again, even if ultimatel I get rejected! Try to stop me as you will, but I will not stand down! I will not lose!"

I looked back and fourth between them, panting to catch my breath. We stood there in silence, with draing ing anger, dirty uniforms, and wide eyes.

Shuuko-chan and Makita-san looked at each other, holding there silence. It was as if they were agreeing on something. I was definitely screwed now. They probably see me as over aggressive and poor under pressure. That wasn't true.

"If you don't want to support me or back me up, fine then. Stay out of my way, the only time I will back off is when I know for sure that I have failed, and only Yoshioka-san will tell me that. If this is goodbye between us...then, thanks for everything you've told me."

I was about to walk off when suddenly, a voice called me back.

"Kikuchi-kun, wait!"

It was Makita-san.

"This was a test," Shuuko said, this time in her normal quiet voice.

A test?

"What do you mean?" I was puzzled.

"Makita-san and I were wondering just how serious you are about the whole caring about and liking Yoshioka. We had to find out. I also had to show Makita-san just how much you cared about Yoshioka, she was opposed to the idea."

I felt bad for pushing Shuuko and yelling...

"We now realize the fact that you really care. We will support and back you up. Make our friend happy again. Nothing we've tried worked. She would usually run off r breakdown thinking of Kou. Her happiness now lay in your hands Kikuchi-kun. She is lost in darkness, her light fading by the day. If you will try, we will support."

"Thank you for understanding. Sorry I pushed you."

"It is okay, but it did hurt."

I felt bad now, I would never do that to a girl...

"To tell you the truth, Yoshioka was slightly happier today. In class she did smile slightly. To what reason we really don't know. On your walk home, there was definitely something."

So I did hit something today.

"Was it anything? I don't know," Shuuko continued on,"only tomorrow and the following days will tell. Until then, goodnight Kikuchi-kun."

"Goodnight."

"We will talk tomorrow," Makita added as she walked off following Shuuko-chan.

Tomorrow was another day.


	13. Turbulence

A test? That was all it was... A test! They had me so worried last night!

It has been hours since that happened, and I am still sighing of relief about it.

The school bell rang. Lunch time. I along with the class stood and bowed, thanking sensei for the lesson. Then I ran straight to the school's library. No sign of Makita or Shuuko this time. As if they were staying out of the way of my efforts. Before the wooden doors to the library, I stood. Another day, another set of possible outcomes, good and bad.

I took a deep breath in and opened the door. Just like yesterday Yoshioka was in the very back of the library, alone and sad. No book this time, I wanted to talk with her more seriously. I took the ragged seat beside her again. I looked up, I was so far away from the library entrance, the people were actually a bit far away. You couldn't even hear the loudest conversation. Far away from the light.

"Hi...Kikuchi-kun"

Wow, she actually spoke quickly today.

"Hi Yoshioka-san..."

"The book you left on the table yesterday... You are into war history?"

"Huh?"

She handed me the book.

_Light of a Thousand Suns; Remembering Hiroshima_

"You looked so interested in reading this yesterday," she said quietly.

"Uhh...yeah, world war two history...love it..." (not really)

"It says here on the two hundredth page... The heat emitted from the blast was so intense, it burned the shadows of its victims onto the walls of their houses and buildings. Images of people in their final moments of suffering, engraved into the stone walls, surrounded by their scattered ash."

"Scary..."

"You don't know this yet?"

"Uhh...I just started reading it yesterday."

"Oh..."

Why was she telling me this.

"You seem like you really want to try to help me...but you don't know what it's like. So I thought, I should tell you... That is how I feel right now."

Tears rolled down her cheeks. She released the book from her hands and it thudded on the carpet, closed covers. She began a light sob.

"Memories...of Kou, of the good times, of my hopes, and of our moments. My love for him, it was so strong," she cried more,"I never got to tell him I love him, and he never told me how he felt about me either..."

Steady flows of tears now...

"The shadows of Kou's influence burned onto the walls of my heart and mind...but his presence blasted away."

I shot up from my chair, and crouched before her, grabbing her shoulders firmly.

"No, you shouldn't feel like that!"

"I can't help it..." Her hair covered her face, her voice stifled.

"Yoshioka-san! Kou is gone!

She only shook her head. Her lip quivering. She was unresponsive.

"Yoshioka-san."

She cried even harder.

"Yoshioka-san."

Her volume increased.

"Yoshioka."

She was not even trying to listen.

"Yoshio- Yosh-"

She was now uncontrollably crying! I just want her to listen!

"FUTABA-CHAN!"

She settled down a bit. I got her attention. She still wasn't looking at me, but she was listening. I had her full attention. I noticed, I held both her hands in mine. I looked up.

Yoshioka with tears streaming from her eyes, with lips quivering, and eye brows angered; a mixture of confusion, sorrow, and anger...it was truly a sight into how lost and shattered her heart really was. It seemed unfixable, but I had to try.

"What is it Kikuchi-kun!? What do you want from me?! Do you want me to be happy, is that what you are trying to accomplish?! Here's the fact. I will never be happy again! No matter what you do! In fact, your presence is just irritating me even more! I'm mad at Kou! I'm mad at myself! I'm mad at Shuuko, and Makita, and Kominato for not being there for me, and I'm mad at you for getting involved! I hardly even know you! Are you here for me because you like me!? I'll tell you something, I won't feel the same way! I won't feel the same way to anyone because I'm still stupidly in love with a dead person!"

Saying "dead person" made her cry even more. It must have really hurt her.

"And you know what Kikuchi?! It would be best if you just left me alone! Don't even bother coming here! You won't get anywhere! No one will, it will just make me more upset!"

The librarian came all the way back here, after hearing the comotion. She was about to tell Yoshioka-san to leave the library.

"No! I was just leaving!," she fired at the librarian. Then she turned to me, still crouching down.

"Take your coat and muffler! I don't need it!"

She then stomped off.

The librarian was actually a really nice lady, she wasn't even too mad, she was new here. She just shot me a look and quietly said,"Please keep the volume down in the library."

She was turning to return to her kiosk but then she told me something.

"I still remember my high school years. It was like an over dramatic shoujo manga... I remember when I was like that. I don't know her story, but I will tell you, what ever has happened to her, really is troubling her, but it can be fixed. It won't be easy, but it's there."

I could only think "that was weird" as I watched her walk off. It was becoming interesting how many times the younger school staff members would say something like that to students..

I make Yoshioka mad? Her friends too? Did she not remember how she was at least was slightly happier? It was clear, she really was a broken girl.

Yoshioka, even if I may upset you, I will not give up...not until you smile. Not until you see me for who I am. I won't let you push away those who are trying to help you. That is why I will always visit this forgotten section of the library during lunches, even if I don't get any responses from you.

I will not give up. I will not lose.


	14. Barriers of Silence

p style="text-align: left;"Everyday./p  
>p style="text-align: left;"Every school day at lunch break, I visisted Yoshioka. We rarely made contact, and we almost never talked. I would try to start conversations, but most of the time I would end up talking with myself. Telling stories of my band members, of performances, and of high school. She probably was not listening, and would most likely not remember any of it at all.p  
>p style="text-align: left;"Today, was going to be no different, but I've spent so much time next to Yoshioka, it's become one of the only things I could do during break periods, I haven't done much anything else since.p  
>p style="text-align: left;"I opened the doors to the library and moved to the back of the room. Yoshioka as usual sat dormant. She didn't cry as much anymore, but she also didn't talk as much either. I took a seat.p  
>p style="text-align: left;"What to talk about today...p  
>p style="text-align: left;""The train line is near completed, Yoshioka-san."p  
>p style="text-align: left;""..."p  
>p style="text-align: left;""I-I've seen the station track today on the way to school from the bus... It looked as if nothing happened."p  
>p style="text-align: left;""..."p  
>p style="text-align: left;""It is said that the line will be finished in a few days."p  
>p style="text-align: left;""..."p  
>p style="text-align: left;""So you and I will never have to miss the bus again."p  
>p style="text-align: left;"There was the slightest jolt in her head. A reaction. The bell ran, time to return to class.p  
>p style="text-align: left;"-p  
>p style="text-align: left;"Days past. I had given Yoshioka her bus schedule back. It expired two days later, but after I gave her back her schedule, she hardly missed a bus.p  
>p style="text-align: left;"Still not much any words from Yoshioka. p  
>p style="text-align: left;"Come on Kikuchi! You had to be getting somewhere. Of course something must have sank in! The fact that I've kept her company all this time...right?p  
>p style="text-align: left;"Maybe, Mabuchi was that important to Yoshioka after all... Was this something I could not break through no matter how much I tried? It was clear to me now. Yoshioka loved Mabuchi, a genuine love.p  
>p style="text-align: left;"I cannot compete with genuine love. p  
>p style="text-align: left;""The train line opened today, Yoshioka-san, looks like the bell to return to class is goodbye from now on. The tracks to your home area hasn't been fully fixed, but the train line to mine, well, they are now operational."p  
>p style="text-align: left;"The bell rang.p  
>p style="text-align: left;""I'll be taking the train home today, so I won't see you at the bus stop, so I gives this is, see you later, Yoshioka-san. See you later."p  
>p style="text-align: left;" p  
>p style="text-align: left;" p  
>p style="text-align: left;"strongSorry for such a late chapter update. Things have been busy this holiday season, and I've been out and about and have been watching a bunch of animes... The story is getting a bit slower paced in my opinion, but don't worry, things will pick up soon, possibly next chapter! Just wait. So far most of the POV is taken from Touma's eyes, but aren't you curious what's been going through Yoshioka's mind? Next chapter!strong/p  
>p style="text-align: left;" p 


	15. Silence to the Silenced

**Sorry for another late story chapter update. Been busy with school, also launched another story to run along with this one, couldn't resist, so now I have two stories to update, anyways... Enjoy!**

Everyday, Kikuchi would visit me in the library. He would sit down in that opposing chair and just talk about life. Talked about his band, his dreams and hopes, he'd even talk about his past and other personal experiences. I felt sorry. I really did, for yelling at him a week or so ago, but something really kept me from apologizing, and I guess it was overall sadness. Or maybe it was that I didn't want to grow too close to him as well. Last person I did get really close with, or so I believed, died in a horrific train incident.

I felt, the more I try and distance myself with Kikuchi, the more he would give up on trying to become close with me, and the least likely he would get hurt because of me. The tardy bell rang. Looks like I'll be missing class again today...

* * *

><p>The next day had come. Once again I find myself quietly sitting in the library.<p>

I never want to love anyone like I did Kou ever again! This was too much, losing him was too much! I could not bare it! To lose someone else would be devastating! Never...again...

A tear shed and rolled down my cheek. It was wiped away by Kikuchi, who had just arrived. Subconsciously, I swatted his hand away. I didn't mean to do it that hard, that was mean, but I did, and couldn't take it back.

Today, Kikuchi was awfully quiet. He didn't talk. Not about his friends, or his dreams, or his life, or school, or his past...nothing. He just sat there. Through the hair that draped my face, I saw he wasn't even smiling. Just sitting there, staring straight down the aisle of books towards the front.

What was wrong? Had he finally had enough of my silence? I had been silent ever since... I missed his story telling. Not a single word. However he did, lay back in his chair and closed his eyes. He was sleeping in no time. A nap today? He probably thought I had not been listening to his stories... Although, I had been. I remember much detail even! Just no response. He always asked me a question at the end of each story, not even a trivial question most of the time, but questions that I would have to respond to, and not once had I responded. That was so rude of me. I guess it became something that I took for granted. Now that he was silent, I kinda missed his tales.

He didn't take the train home as he said he would yesterday. I saw him catch the bus before mine. I... Wanted to apologize for my silent treatment, but lunch was near ending. I wrote a note to him.

* * *

><p>Meet me outside the entrance way at the end of class. I want to talk with you<p>

-Yoshioka

* * *

><p>I attached the small post it note to his coat collar, which hung freely on the arm rest. I leaned back in my chair, and closed my eyes. Recently I've heard Kou's voice when my attention drifts away and during dreams often. Always saying the same thing, originally all the times they were in a panicked yelling voice, as if they were hastily spoken under collapsed and bleeding lungs during the crash.<p>

"I should have gotten off! I'm sorry Futaba! I LOVE YOU!"

However, this time it was calmer, shorter, and rearranged. But it was still Kou's voice.

"I should have gotten off. I love you, Futaba."

Definitely it was a figment of my imagination, but I loved each time it would play out.

The bell for class rang. I shook Kikuchi slightly to make him aware and walked out of the library. He was going to take the train today, and he may possibly not get my note. It was imperative that I catch him in his way out.


End file.
